The Devil's in the Jukebox

I knew taking my son to a Green Day concert meant we'd have to have the 'that's not a word you should say' conversation.  But, I have to say I'd rather have that conversation rather than the "Son...we need to talk about the quality of music you're listening to"  chat.  Green Day is the real deal, and they give me hope that the legacy of The Clash is truly alive and well.  If he were listening to Justin Bieber or Lady Gaga, I'd be tempted to have a serious 'Come to Jesus" around the difference between disposable product and lasting artistry.  So, that his MP3 player is filled with the likes of the Beatles, U2, Green Day, The Clash, and Warren Zevon gives me assurances that he's on the right road for a lifetime of rich musical exploration.

I was fortunate enough to be raised in a home where my sister exposed me to folks like Paul Simon, Johnny Cash, Elvis, and The Eagles, so while I may not have been on the cutting edge musically, circa 1975, I was certainly getting some solidly smart stuff.  I assumed that all music - all music that moved me - had to be good.

Then, somewhere in my high school days, a time when I was inside the doors of the Baptist church everytime they were unlocked, I began to hear about the dangers of rock music, particularly under the guise of something called 'backmasking'.  Remember this phenomenon?  Artists would supposedly record hidden messages in their songs which could only be heard if you played the song backwards.  So, if you were willing to destroy your album AND your needle as a kid, you could find out that "Stairway to Heaven" was actually an invitation to hell.

Well, I couldn't reconcile my quite naive faith with the inference that my favorite artists were somehow trying to corrupt my soul. I had to know, so I bought a book, written by a minister whose factchecker must've been a glaucoma-stricken spider monkey.  He didn't just go after your Black Sabbaths and AC/DCs.  No, he inferred everyone from Kenny Rogers (who he referred to as "Kenny Rodgers") to Eagles drummer "Ron Henly" (really?  Not even close...) were in legion with Satan.  His basis?  A thin collection of out of context lyrics, quotes, and presumptions.  Oh, and of course, deciphering the backward messages embedded on LPs.

Conveniently, for an extra few bucks, you could order a cassette as well, featuring the minister and a 'music expert' who played these questionable backmasked segments for all to hear.  Of course, they told you what to listen for before you heard the snippet.  They played short segments from Led Zeppelin, The Eagles, Styx, and others.  It was a huge lesson for me.  All I heard, even with much evangelical coaching, was garbled nonsense.  Of course, the objectionable phrases were never "Join Satan's army" or "Kill your teacher".  To convince you these random sounds were actual words, the minister had to create bizarre phrases, such as  "Satan eats from my pantry. The cabinet is open.  He builds a sandwich at the altar.  The pie is good."  Really?  Is this the kind of directive we should expect from Beelzebub?  Because if that's the best you got, he sounds a lot like Dagwood.

Of course, these false alarms set off a barnstorm of artists actually attempting backmasking to capitalize on the phenomenon.  After all, fundamentalists had once again sold the very goods they were trying to supposedly crush.  My favorite?  Weird Al Yankovich embedded, "Wow, you must have an awful lot of free time on your hands" and "Satan eats Cheez Whiz" on a pair of songs.

The most faith-affirming moment of my teenage years was having my youth minister tell me, after I explained my confusion, that I should go start a big fire in my fireplace...and burn (wait for it....) that stupid book.  There was nothing wrong with my music, and I should look out for false prophets peddling malevolence as redemption via retail.  

Think about the creepy rock gods who haunted your dreams as an adolescent.  Today, the very musicians we were told would wrap their scaly fingers around our teenage souls and plunge them into darkness have proven to be - at the worst - harmless clowns.  Ozzy Ozbourne?  We've all been invited into his home for asparagus and indecipherable conversation.  Gene Simmons of KISS?  Yep, reality TV has proven that he' probably be a more reliable source for a sitter than the Vatican.   Robert Plant?  He's singing spirituals with Alison Krauss these days.  And Alice Cooper?  He's a Republican, a born again Christian, and avid golfer.  Even Pat Robertson can only claim one of those attributes.  At least, I assume Pat's golf game is as crappy as his attempts to emulate Christ.

So, backmasking may be a thing of the past - unless someone figures out how to embed messages in MP3 files.  Give them time.  So, my challenge as a parent is to guide my kids toward some music with true substance, then lets them make their own choices.  After all, there is a miniscule amount of 'evil music' out there, but sucky music abounds.  And you don't have to play it backwards for it to initiate the something truly dangerous, according to Albert Brooks ("Broadcast News"), which is "just bit by bit lower our standards where they are important.  Just a tiny bit."